Anxiety Broke Me Then Healing Began

I lost myself for several years due to a toxic marriage where I numbed out and played the part of a happy wife with a happy life.

I faded into the background and I lost who I was and wanted to become. I could fake smile all day long, but the happiness was not there. I was empty.  My ego was not ready to admit DEFEAT and call it quits. I did not want to lose, I had to win to show everyone how happy I was. I fought like hell to try to do what I thought was right to save the marriage, but now looking back I did not fight for myself. I took a back seat. Then 7 years later we both threw in the towel and got a divorce. I will never forget that moment. It felt like 200 lbs. had been lifted off my back and I was free! I immediately burst into tears that never ended. Tears of joy, sadness and tears that cleansed my soul. 

During this time in my life, I was under a lot of stress at work to.

I had signed a contract a couple of months before the divorce to become a franchisee of a restaurant. So here I was in brand new, uncharted territory in my personal and professional life. My head was spinning. And throw in learning to navigate online dating websites and apps. OMG! I was alone for the first time in 10 years making big decisions for myself and I did not feel confident in any of it. I was terrified that I would screw everything up. So, to find time to work some of these feelings and questions out, I booked a quick weekend getaway to Jamacia. 

On our way to one of the most beautiful beaches I had seen, I started to feel faint, lightheaded, and short of breath.

My thoughts and my nervous system kicked into overdrive. I thought I was having a heart attack. I remember at one point thinking that I was all alone and did not know where to go for help. I could not catch my breath and I was so scared. I put one hand on my forehead and the other hand on heart. I tried to focus on my breath to calm down. 20 plus minutes went by where the panic would set in and then subside like the waves of the ocean. I got to a point where I caught my breath and was able to stand up. I was sweaty, clammy, and so weak. I was shaking and knew that I needed to get into the ocean and float. While I was floating, I reviewed what just transpired and tried to understand it. Where did it come from? Why did it happen? All these questions with no real answers that resonated with me, except stress. Later I googled it and realized I had had a panic attack. 

“My thoughts and my nervous system kicked into overdrive.”

That was the beginning of many other panic attacks and emotions of anxiety that I would survive. The next one that followed a couple of weeks later was in a storage unit. When I was there, I could feel the same body sensations coming on. I felt trapped and then the elevator door stopped working. I laid on the ground and thought just breathe. Help will come. Thank goodness the storage unit Manager saw me and came to my rescue. She was an angel and did not judge me. She made me feel safe and walked me through the place until we came to a different elevator. Each episode seemed to etch something in my brain saying do not go there again or do that again. During this time, I thought I was literally going crazy and that I would never leave my house one day. These were some of my thoughts that I journaled about. I felt fearful and trapped. 

Then one year I had a complete breakdown. I could not numb out anymore and ignore the anxiety.

I was questioning what my purpose in life was and if this sadness would end. The anxiety and panic attacks were controlling my life. They were the first thing that I would think about when I would wake up and the last thing when I went to bed. I journaled about them and what would bring them on, how long they lasted, what it was that eventually calmed me down. It was a lot to deal with all by myself. I was depressed and I knew I needed help. I signed up for therapy and started to dig into the anxiety and panic as emotions, not burdens. I began to identify my triggers and my coping mechanisms. My therapist was amazing and helped me come up with tools to use when panic and anxiety set in. I also started to see an energy healer who helped me identify emotions in my body and how they were affecting my overall health. The thoughts, emotions, and stories I had been telling myself had built up in my body as pain and I was able to release some of that through her healing. Between the therapist and the energy healer, I uncovered some serious baggage and bad habits that I had created. They helped me heal old wounds that I didn't even know existed. It was transformational and allowed me to focus on my future with less fear. I gave myself space to be aware without judgement, to let go of what did not serve me anymore, and

A WHOLE LOT OF GRACE! 

After many moments of unfolding, I kept coming back to this thought of what my purpose was, which piqued my curiosity. I began to ask myself what type of work would bring me the most joy. One day I journaled about the things I loved about my job at the time, which was working with my teams, coaching them through limiting beliefs and roadblocks to help their true potential shine. I felt so good writing that down that I decided to google jobs that did that type of work and Life Coaching popped up. I clicked on it and down the rabbit hole I went. The energetic pull that I felt was undeniable and I knew that this is what I wanted to do in the next chapter of my life.

So, with anxiety present, I signed up to get my certification at iPEC and it was life changing. During my training I was able to tap into my self-doubt and self-sabotaging thoughts, which I realized contributed to my anxiety and lack of action. Through this awareness I was able to identify my common blocks and limiting beliefs that were trying to keep me safe and comfortable. I realized that I was at choice to stay where I was or to lean into the vision that I had created for myself. I chose the vision and I started to get out of my own way and it was exhilarating. 

During my coaching sessions I use my training and gifts of intuition to hear what you are NOT saying. We will identify the negative self-talk which leads to your emotions and then to your actions or lack thereof. This is where self-discovery begins, and change starts to happen. Many of my clients heard the same negative thought(s) for years and did not realize the effect they were having on them. Below are some examples of those negative self-talks: 

• I am not good enough.

• What if I fail?

• I am not smart enough.

• I am not capable. 

• Who am I to do this?

• I do not have the time.

• I am not strong enough. 

• I am too old.

• I am too young.

• I will be judged.

If any of the statements above resonated or triggered you, let’s work together to identify what they are saying, where it comes from, how it has been serving you, and how you could reframe it to make it more empowering. Do not let a thought keep you from living the life you deserve. I have helped many women transform their mindset and they are now living a fuller life and doing what brings them joy. I would love to work with you so that you may live a life that sets your soul on fire. It’s TIME to commit to self-awareness, self-transcendence and self-love. I am excited to be your coach.